All Dogs DO go to Heaven
On Animals in Paradise , Vegetarians and other Such Musings
by Father Mark Ziolkowski
I’m a bit nervous. You see I can’t resist a good steak. Broiled, flame-licked, barbecued goodness. Smothered in onions and mushrooms, or slathered in butter and garlic before going under or over the fire, simply the savory smell makes me giddy. But I’m more than a little worried that, after I’ve lived my fully carnivorous life, I will walk up to the pearly gates, or the Pure Land, or The Eternal Disneyland only to face an interview panel comprised of surly bovines. What do you say to the jury when you’ve been responsible for roughly a gross of buttery Bossies going to their eternal reward? ‘Sorry, but if you hadn’t tasted so damned good . . . !’ Somehow I don’t think that will cut it as an opening (or a closing) statement.
Sometimes, on long walks in the late afternoon, I ask Ranger –the Australian Shepherd we adopted several years ago – for advice on this. I usually start out a little defensively, ‘Well, you know, old man, I haven’t been a particularly bad person,’ I say with a sidelong glance that he responds to with a slight turning of the head as if to say, ‘Hmmm, some pheasant milling in that bush over there,’ because he can enumerate my failings better than I. I clear my throat a little too loudly and continue, ‘You know, the Circle of Life, and all that.’ He snuffles as if to clear his own throat and stops to sit and scratch behind his ear. ‘As a fellow meat eater,’ I continue, ‘what do you think the odds are that my dietary habits will have a determining factor on my entry into the better habitués of the afterlife?’ The tilt of his head and roll of his eyes are a little bit more than irritating.
‘Oh,’ I say, ‘so you’re so high and mighty with your beef and kidney dog food?’ I actually see him shake his head. ‘Hey, I don’t think you’re anyone to judge, Mr. Rice and Lamb!’ But it’s no good. He has the upper hand because all the authorities say, ‘animals are innocent.’
But the question has been asked, 'Innocent or not, will there be doggy bags in heaven? Will Ranger and his pals romp the fields of Nirvana?' A little research into comparative religions yields what might seem to some a surprising answer: yes. Islam, for instance, has always featured a menagerie of animals in its snapshots of paradise. Buddhism treats all life as being of equal value, and in the past few years the Metropolitan of the Greek Orthodox Church has made passionate statements concerning the sins of humanity against our fellow creatures in the animal kingdom and their place in the heavenly economy. The Roman Catholic Church gives a thumbs up in celestial doggy dogma. And, although the thought of animals marking territory in the great beyond makes some of our evangelical bretheran and sistren a little nervous, no less than big league evangelist Jack Van Impe makes a biblical case for a canine communion of saints in a recently released video.
Still, I am in a losing battle as far as the survival of the fittest game is concerned. I gave up lobster and crab after watching videos from that accursed Jacques Cousteau showing the crusty buggers, almost skipping, claw-in-claw across the ocean floor. I gave up lamb and goat after my wife gave me the evil-eye for even considering a good gnaw at the fluffy woolen beasties. Now my own faithful canine companion calls me to task for the occasional 8 ounces of beef that he is somehow allowed due to his status in the animal kingdom.
At the table tonight I dined on baby greens and asparagus. I looked down to see Ranger engrossed in his all beef dog food. He looks up and tilts his head as if to say, ‘Them’s the rules, boyoh. I get’s to eat ‘em, you gets to pet ‘em.’ I know that the lion will one day lay down with the lamb. My question is, ‘Will the lion at least get a little taste?’